Love .. Emotion .. Feeling ..

Those 3 words I suppose are part of every human being .. what are we without those 3? 

Feeling ..

Just few weeks ago, I came across this weird feeling that I haven't felt for ages to someone who I've known casually for about 8 months but I never noticed his existence 'till that one weekend. Out from nowhere, he was there, noticeable to my eyes, exist and around .. 

I don't know how it started, when it started, where it started, why it happened or what happened that time? But it felt nice and sweet. 

And for the past weeks, it was full of ups and downs .. some days gave me good sign, some days were just normal, but I enjoyed those moments. He made my heart race.

But along the way I felt that we weren't going anywhere, there was never a clear sign that might bring us somewhere, we stood still and after couple of weeks I felt that it was never meant anything. I felt that it was just that weekend that brought this feeling up and out. We then remain a stranger again like before, when he was unnoticed to me. So I declared QUIT. 

But just when I was ready to let go and move on, something nice happened which made me fall again and I felt challenge to try harder. But I guess it was just never meant to be from the beginning. I misread everything. I expect too much in just one weekend because of that special something that happened between us.. 'cos shortly after I thought that it was meant something, I found the hurtful fact .. he is attached. 

I was upset, I was hurt, I went blank that day as I heard the news ... as these past few weeks, he never showed or even acted like he is attached with someone instead he acted like he was interested. But I was wrong .. and now I understand why we stood still, why we ain't moving ...

Emotion ..

Yes, it was all on me .. I misread the signals, I played with my own emotions thinking that he was actually interested for all that particular things he did .. a lot. 

Perhaps it's because I haven't felt this kind of sweet feeling in ages and then he appeared before me and showed something unusual, I was blinded by it. Where the truth is he probably did it normally .. I was so focused on finding my happy ending, I forgot how to read the signals correctly.

Now my emotions are uncontrolled .. part of me wishes that he would break up and choose me. I start thinking that things won't work out between them and I swoop in and there is my happy ending right there. But I know where I stand .. 

I'm upset still .. why would you do those things that you still do 'till now knowing that you belong to someone else and I can't do anything to have you? 

Love ..

Is this love?

Nope .. not yet at least .. it is still way beyond love, it has only been couple of weeks which I, myself still trying to figure out things, thought of getting to know him better before the hurtful fact revealed ..

I seriously thought it might grow into love .. somehow, someway .. someday. 
But well, this ends before it even started.

For what it worth, I'm not sorry for what happened .. I know it's all me, so I'm not sorry.
I'm actually thankful for him for walking into my short days in a very strange yet nice way.

Even for just one short weekend and few days after that, he has made an impact in my life, has become a someone who made me smile, made my heart pounding, made me get up in the morning and feel alive ...
And most important thing that he has reminded me that I can still have this kind of feeling .. like, crush, a little love - whatever suit and believe that love do can be found in strangest place. 

Who would thought that I would actually found him there, though there will no future upon us, but to me the feeling was real. 

So thank you for the moment that we shared which I will treasure. You might not know what's happening, but I really appreciate you never let me fall too deep when you never intended to catch me. 

I'm sort of glad that I found about the fact this early before it went to deep, but I can't help of feeling upset a little bit 'cos I thought you actually cared but I was wrong. 

Now ...

I know I'm gonna be ok .. I've been through way worse than this yet I survive.
I guess one bad thing is that you're still gonna be around me quite a lot, will stand in front of me every now and then ... but you don't know what I feel which is hurt, so I'm sorry if things gonna be different between us 'cos I'll never be the same towards you after this ..

You didn't do anything wrong, you never gave any hopes or anything, but I need this for me ..
I need my closure from you .. if only you could stop the thing you're still doing and I'm sure I'll be alright.

I was this close on telling you how I feel, on Christmas actually .. but God has His way in telling me that you're not the one for me. So He showed me the way by telling me about you and her through my dream, just 2 days after but back then I tried to deny it ..

So I'm ready to walk away .. I won't forget about you but I just need to stop this feeling.

Please let me have the day when I see you and I feel nothing .. that's the day I can finally let you do. 

But one thing I wonder .. what if that weekend never happened? What will happen between us? Will you remind as the un-notice and not exist to me? 

Well, I guess I'll never know ..