Letting Go - birthday wish

Yeah, it's MA birthday .. Happy Birthday to me .. :)


thank you God for another year, for all the laughter, tears, joy, heartache, love, blessings throughout the year. It's been one challenging year but it's also memorable. I have no regrets ..

Thank you everyone for all the good wishes through different social medias, whatsapp, text message, phone calls and also thank you for the gift . And to those who spent the day with me .. I'm so grateful and feel blessed for having each and everyone of you in my life. 

But sadly that one person I wish to wish me on my birthday .. did not. I guess he was never really care afterall .. who I thought might have a little feeling for me, apparently was just my feeling and imagination. He never actually interested in me. 

So this year birthday, I dedicated to him ... the one person who has made a big difference in my life even in just a short time and doesn't even know it. It's been great having this feeling, even you don't feel the same and even there will be no happy ending between us, but I'm glad it was you that I fell for, I'm glad that my feeling goes to you .. 'cos I know that way I still believe in love, that my one true love is still somewhere out there. 

I know time will heal this feeling and when that happens, it would be the time I can finally let you go for good. As for the time being, I'm gonna face and live with the fact that we're never meant to be together, it was just me who hope too high. 

I'm letting you go .. I need that room in my heart that you have filled this past few weeks with new hopes and dreams. I'm done trying and hoping as I don't wanna get hurt even more knowing that you never care. I will never understand the things that you did which lead me to think that you're interested, but it's OK .. 'cos the wrong feeling was nice and made me smile. 

So thank you for things that you did, a lot ... but you never knew that they made a big impact .. 

Love .. Emotion .. Feeling ..

Those 3 words I suppose are part of every human being .. what are we without those 3? 

Feeling ..

Just few weeks ago, I came across this weird feeling that I haven't felt for ages to someone who I've known casually for about 8 months but I never noticed his existence 'till that one weekend. Out from nowhere, he was there, noticeable to my eyes, exist and around .. 

I don't know how it started, when it started, where it started, why it happened or what happened that time? But it felt nice and sweet. 

And for the past weeks, it was full of ups and downs .. some days gave me good sign, some days were just normal, but I enjoyed those moments. He made my heart race.

But along the way I felt that we weren't going anywhere, there was never a clear sign that might bring us somewhere, we stood still and after couple of weeks I felt that it was never meant anything. I felt that it was just that weekend that brought this feeling up and out. We then remain a stranger again like before, when he was unnoticed to me. So I declared QUIT. 

But just when I was ready to let go and move on, something nice happened which made me fall again and I felt challenge to try harder. But I guess it was just never meant to be from the beginning. I misread everything. I expect too much in just one weekend because of that special something that happened between us.. 'cos shortly after I thought that it was meant something, I found the hurtful fact .. he is attached. 

I was upset, I was hurt, I went blank that day as I heard the news ... as these past few weeks, he never showed or even acted like he is attached with someone instead he acted like he was interested. But I was wrong .. and now I understand why we stood still, why we ain't moving ...

Emotion ..

Yes, it was all on me .. I misread the signals, I played with my own emotions thinking that he was actually interested for all that particular things he did .. a lot. 

Perhaps it's because I haven't felt this kind of sweet feeling in ages and then he appeared before me and showed something unusual, I was blinded by it. Where the truth is he probably did it normally .. I was so focused on finding my happy ending, I forgot how to read the signals correctly.

Now my emotions are uncontrolled .. part of me wishes that he would break up and choose me. I start thinking that things won't work out between them and I swoop in and there is my happy ending right there. But I know where I stand .. 

I'm upset still .. why would you do those things that you still do 'till now knowing that you belong to someone else and I can't do anything to have you? 

Love ..

Is this love?

Nope .. not yet at least .. it is still way beyond love, it has only been couple of weeks which I, myself still trying to figure out things, thought of getting to know him better before the hurtful fact revealed ..

I seriously thought it might grow into love .. somehow, someway .. someday. 
But well, this ends before it even started.

For what it worth, I'm not sorry for what happened .. I know it's all me, so I'm not sorry.
I'm actually thankful for him for walking into my short days in a very strange yet nice way.

Even for just one short weekend and few days after that, he has made an impact in my life, has become a someone who made me smile, made my heart pounding, made me get up in the morning and feel alive ...
And most important thing that he has reminded me that I can still have this kind of feeling .. like, crush, a little love - whatever suit and believe that love do can be found in strangest place. 

Who would thought that I would actually found him there, though there will no future upon us, but to me the feeling was real. 

So thank you for the moment that we shared which I will treasure. You might not know what's happening, but I really appreciate you never let me fall too deep when you never intended to catch me. 

I'm sort of glad that I found about the fact this early before it went to deep, but I can't help of feeling upset a little bit 'cos I thought you actually cared but I was wrong. 

Now ...

I know I'm gonna be ok .. I've been through way worse than this yet I survive.
I guess one bad thing is that you're still gonna be around me quite a lot, will stand in front of me every now and then ... but you don't know what I feel which is hurt, so I'm sorry if things gonna be different between us 'cos I'll never be the same towards you after this ..

You didn't do anything wrong, you never gave any hopes or anything, but I need this for me ..
I need my closure from you .. if only you could stop the thing you're still doing and I'm sure I'll be alright.

I was this close on telling you how I feel, on Christmas actually .. but God has His way in telling me that you're not the one for me. So He showed me the way by telling me about you and her through my dream, just 2 days after but back then I tried to deny it ..

So I'm ready to walk away .. I won't forget about you but I just need to stop this feeling.

Please let me have the day when I see you and I feel nothing .. that's the day I can finally let you do. 

But one thing I wonder .. what if that weekend never happened? What will happen between us? Will you remind as the un-notice and not exist to me? 

Well, I guess I'll never know ..

The Last

This post isn't mine, but it's Philip Wang's of Wong Fu Productions on their latest short The Last ..

I guess everyone have gone and will get through these phases in life, be in relationship with different people who eventually shape us as a person we are right now 'till we meet the right one.

God wants us to meet different people and learn about others and ourselves 'till we find The Last .. the one that fits us the most .. the one that will accompany us for the rest of our life.. the one that we truly LOVE. 

Who, what, when, where and why .. are the basic questions that will always be part of our life ..  

and this story answer them all .. of course in each and unique way in your life .. So when you found all the answer those 5 senses, hang on to it .. that person might be The Last ..

The original post is here .. The Last

The idea for “The Last” is one that I’ve had for a couple years. It first sprouted right around when Wes was finishing up his short “When Five Fell”, dealing with love in the form of the 5 senses. This prompted me to think of other representations of love, eventually leading me to the theme of this short: who, what, when, where, and why. But while I had this concept in my head the past 2 years, I wasn’t able to put the words down on paper and finish it until recently. Let’s just say, the right inspiration came along to give me the ability and mentality to complete the script the right way.

The goal of this short was to speak to both our younger and older audiences. I know Wong Fu Productions has a lot of viewers who are probably just getting their first experiences of what “love” feels like, or what they want it to feel like. To them, I hope this short gives them a sense of hope and something to look forward to. As someone who has been through those younger stages in high school and college, I wrote Harry’s character to have had encounters of meaningful love in those stages of his life, because they are important. Now, still speaking to these younger viewers, many of you may also feel like you have lost the “one true love” of your life. To those I hope this short shows that your future holds others who you have yet to fall in love with (and maybe once again lose). There is time ahead of you, and in this time you will find love in other ways, or perhaps love will return to you, I can’t tell you for certain, but I can tell you not to completely lose yourself in the present, and try to believe that one day you will look back on the ones you’ve “lost” the same way the man in the film does, with understanding and joy.

To the older viewers, you understand this video from a completely different perspective, because you may have you own past of loves. Maybe not, five, but you understand what it means to have a past, those who came before, and what each of those past experiences have taught you. Could you have your own “who”, or “what”, or “why”? Possibly two “whens”? I hope this short can remind you of what you’ve learned from each encounter of love, even if it seemed terrible back then, you have had the gift of time to teach you why it happened, and how you grew from it.

There’s actually one more audience this short hopefully speaks to, and it’s those who have found the “last”. What greater feeling is there to have gone through a journey of years, emotion, heartache, joy, and to realize that the person you are with now is the person that embodies everything you’ve gained and needed from your past? If you are one of these people who are with the man or woman they hope, or are, the last, remember how lucky you are. Remember the time when you didn’t have their presence in your life. Remember…who, what, when, where, why they are your last, and be thankful. For there are many who are still on that journey you were once on. Encourage them; the lost to keep hopeful, the troubled to keep fighting for, and the cynics to keep believing in, love.

That is all I hope “The Last” can mean to people, as a short film, and as someone in their lives.

Another brilliant piece by Wong Fu .. simple yet meaningful, where we can all relate with

Your Last is out there .. believe in it.

Memories ... and some random thoughts

23 October 1997 .. exactly 15 years ago today I stepped my foot for the first time in Wollongong, Australia - the place I still call home 'till now. 

It was my first long flight journey alone to Aussieland, 9 hours flight seemed like forever. I was scared not knowing anything, I didn't know the place, I didn't speak English all that well and the fact that I would be away from my family for the first time in my 19 years of my life, so yes I was afraid.

Yes, Wollongong was home to me .. I experienced and learned lots of "first time" here in this place. I learned to depend on myself, I learned to live on my own, I learned to make my own decision, I learned how to cook, how to take care of everything by myself. It was tough but it made me stronger. Then I knew that I could do all those things .. 

Here at this place I learned about love - I fell in love and also fell out of love. I had my heart broken, I experienced my ups and downs of life, I learned about life. And the most important thing was I had my first job and experience the feeling of earning money with my own sweat for the first time. It was amazing! 

As for my first salary, I bought a Calvin Klein sunglasses. I was my first true accomplishment :D

Being away from family and friends who you grew up with all your life and suddenly you were put in a very strange place, was never easy. But as time went by, I formed new family and found friends who I treasure forever 'cos they formed me, they made me who I am today. 

"What we have been is what we are"

Going overseas to study was never a plan for me, it was initially my brother's plan but he got chicken out at the last minute, so I decided to go and it was the best decision I've made so far. I don't know what will happen if I stayed here, what would I be. 

Now, 15 years later .. too many great memories to remember, but somehow they are all still fresh in my head. It seems like it was only yesterday I arrived in Wollongong, greeted by Bob - the Campus East staff and met Ari for the first time, he who helped me settled in. And 2 weeks later, 6 November 1997, I met my best friend, Brian for the first time in our first Foundation class and everything is history. 

With Brian, it was not easy but not difficult .. our relationship just grew as time went pass. From a daily routine in Foundation class, grew to like and to a little crazy love and end up as best friend with no romantic feeling. He's not the best and perfect person I know, he's boring and uptight, but somehow we connect and he's my best friend. 

There was never a day passed by without us talking or seeing each other. And now even after 15 years, a marriage and a baby girl, though we don't speak as much, we always have something to talk about and just pick up where we left off and never got dull. I guess that's what friend is .. He's kinda my soul-mate. We both know each other too well, sometimes it's scary.

I got to see him again after almost 8 years being apart, he's been living in Australia since we graduated and he's now an Australian citizen. 

It was Christmas 2009, I was on family trip attending cousin's wedding .. when we saw each other again, it was like we never apart. It was like we were only away for few days. Everything was so comfy with him. I'm so grateful for him .. 

Friends .. 
they come and go .. but I know Brian will stay with me and I will stay with him. Not many guy-girl friend relationship survived, even ours had few hiccups, specially now that he's married. So I'm drawing a line and know where I stand. But no matter what, we will always remain friends .. 

I had fair share of men that came into my 5 years of my life there. They were all special. But sadly among those men, there were only 2 left that still involve in my current life and yes one of them is Brian. 
Though they are all somewhere out there now, I wish them all the best in their life .. they were part of me once and I was theirs, leave it at that. They were my memories .. 

Next ...

18 August 2001, I added a Bachelor of Arts degree - Communication Studies major behind my name. The battle of sweat and tears I had to face for 3 years paid off. I was so proud walking down the UOW theater hall with that blue toga and knowing that my parents were there seeing me accomplished another chapter of my life. It was their battle too .. tough one with the 1998 economy crisis, but we survived.

I accepted the diploma, the chancellor - Michael Codd asked me, "What's next?"

Honestly, I didn't know then and if you asked me now, I don't even know what I want in life. 
I'm still searching. 
I guess I'm just flowing wherever the current takes me. 
I don't even know what my passion is, I like lots of things, but I'm not sure whether my hobbies will make ends-meet. But I'm sure it's out there.

Life is a neverending learning process, so maybe someday I'll find out what I really want and can make the best out of it.

So for now, I'm just gonna enjoy the meantime and live it to the fullest. You'll never know where life takes you. Things could be worse than what I have right now .. 

Just try to really focus on finding what you truly want in life. Like Wes said "Your proudest moment is the one you're gonna come across and believe that it's still out there ..."

So .. Happy 15th years of taking the biggest step in your life, Net. I'm glad I did ..

Toodles!!
23 Oct 2012, 11:22pm

One Night, One Stage, Once in a Lifetime

Two years in the waiting, the reunion concert of NKOTB and joined concert with BSB has finally happened last night - Friday, 1 June 2012. It happened so fast, I didn't even realize it was 2 hours plus since we entered the arena.

Bought these babies 6 months ago, waiting and waiting and it passed like that ...

20 years ago, I watched their concert - my first ever concert and I remember I had so much fun and I was so hype as a very young teenage girl having her first idols. And 20 years later, I didn't feel very much different from back then. I was still hype, screamed and jumped like young teenage girl thirst for the boys. In total of 2 hours plus, 32 songs .. I was totally hypnotize by these 9 guys - Jonathan, Jordan, Joey, Donnie, Danny, Brian, Nick, AJ and Howie with their moves, dancing, words, voices and of course their songs, that concludes I love them all. But to me, NKOTB was extra special 'cos they have special place in my heart for being my first idol and the fact that they reunited after 18 years.

I watched them as individual boyband, NKOTB - 13 February 1992 and BSB - 25 February 2008 and I watched them together as a group NKOTBSB - 1 June 2012 .. and all of them were incredibly memorable and special. 

As Joey said, "I'm sorry it took us 20 years to come back, and we're gonna try real hard to make it .. not another 20 years" .. please don't :)

Expensive Gadget

I finally purchased this baby right here ..

I've been wanting to buy iPhone since the version 3, but keep postponing thinking that do I really need it? So then the 3Gs, 4 to finally 4s came out, still not sure. And the fact that 5 is coming out soon, I started to re-think about it.

Last week, a friend told me about promo with CIMB Niaga credit card - 0% interest for 12 months installment. Within days, I decided that I'm gonna take this opportunity. This is probably the fastest decision I've ever made for buying gadget, expensive one. I'm not a gadget person, 'till now I still use my old fashioned trusty Sony Ericsson phone.

Well .. hope that was a 7.7 millions worth spend! :)

Be patience people, there will be big adjustment needed. Might take me a while to get use to with it.

Reminder of the Day

So thanks to Wong Fu Productions, I got to know these groups of amazing and talented Asian American artists and new artists. As individuals, they have their own youtube channels and website, but together they are under the name of ISA - International Secret Agents. They also developed their website called ISATV which update almost daily on what's happening with the community and their activities.

Asians - as it is still happening around the world are considered minority, but they break the stereotypes by making these breakthrough actions through social media and activities around the world.

This is the reminder of the day from ISA TV website -- When was the last time someone REALLY complimented you?

"Think about the last time that someone said something really nice to you. How did it feel? How did it affect the rest of your day?  We guarantee it probably added a little pep to your step and maybe gave an otherwise typical day an extra boost of confidence and productivity. Now turn it around and ask yourself, When was the last time I complimented someone else? When was the last time I told someone in my life how much they meant or had a kind words for a co-worker as they completed a task?

We were thinking about the power of words at the ISA office recently and wanted to send a friendly reminder that we all need to take a step backwards from time to time and really appreciate the people that we’re surrounded by. It doesn’t take that long to say something nice, but we rarely do it, and sometimes focus more on the negatives.  We were reminded about this when we watched Traphik’s recent video where he took it to the streets in his car and a loudspeaker, giving out compliments to strangers. Although some of them shrugged it off, you could tell that a good handful really appreciated it, which probably made for a more positive day.

Whether we like it or not, we all have the ability to directly impact those in our lives on a daily basis.  It may seem like a lot of power, but ultimately it’s easy to control and we hope that everyone out there uses their power for good".

Just remember words can be sharper than blade. Those blade wounds will heal eventually, but harsh words remain. So rather than saying bad things about other, why don't you compliment others by saying good things about that person. Simple but meaningful words will affect people's lives drastically.

Let's be a lover not a fighter :)