2020/2021 -- years that the world skipped

 

March 2020 was the beginning of the world stopped. Almost the entire world went down because of Covid-19 including Indonesia... it hit hard, we lost thousands of people due to this virus. It has been one roller-coaster ride to most people and of course myself. I did not have fixed income and settle job throughout the these 2 years. Even though I'm still doing OK with the savings I have and monthly injection but I do miss having money and being busy.  

As the world shut down for a bit, cinema was also closed down. Throughout 2020, there was only a short period of time that cinema managed to stay open. Cinema got hit pretty hard too for closing almost a year. It was finally opened almost mid of 2021 when people started got vaccinated and the world started to turn and look alive. 

So here is my movies list for 2020 and 2021 wrapped in one posting. Though we are still not sure about how things are looking out, but let's just hope for the best and virus will be gone by this year - as WHO has assured today.

Stay safe people and be OK! 

2020

1. Nanti Kita Cerita Tentang Hari Ini
2. Dolittle
3. Toko Barang Mantan
4. Sonic the Hedgehog
5. Teman tapi Menikah 2
6. Onward

--- and the world stopped to take a break and I did not see him for a year.

2021

1. Raya & the Last Dragon
2. Mortal Kombat (new)
3. The War with Grandpa
4. Cruella
5. Fast & Furious 9
6. Black Widow
7. ShangChi
8. 007: No Time to Die
9. Marvel: Eternals
10. Venom 2: Let there be Carnage
11. Losmen Bu Broto
12. Kadet 1947
13. Encanto
14. Ghostbuster After Life
15. Seperti Dendam, Rindu Harus dibayar tuntas
16. Paw Patrol: The Movie
17. Spiderman: No Way Home (2x)

18. Teka Teki Tika

As today we enter he first day of 2022... just hope things will get better. And I seriously need to hunt for new job and making money.

Stay safe people

Three months of 2020 ...

Well hello again ... here I am back with my yearly post. Yup, once a year just to reliving what happened in the past year. 

2019 was interesting.. I did get back to office work for about 8 months with the same services I had for the past 14 years, but when enough is enough... it's really time for you to move on. So bye IP world... I definitely have enough of you. Time for new beginning. 

Despite what happened in my working life, I still have him in my personal life and yes knowing we will never be together, I'm glad that he is still around though NOT as much as before and last year. And I also know that I will slowly lose him... but I'm just gonna enjoy whatever this is and try not to overthink things. As long as I haven't got bored with him, I'm just gonna keep "annoying" him ^^

So 2020 has been dark so far .. flood, natural disaster all over the world and now world pandemic of Corona Virus. The world is definitely in need of a break. Take care all of you out there... as I am trying to live in the moment and see what comes next. 

In the meantime, here is my 2019 movie list..

1. Keluarga Cemara
2. How to Train your Dragon 3
3. Instant Family
4. Foxtrot Six
5. Cold Pursuit
6. Captain Marvel
7. Five Feet Apart
8. Dumbo
9. Shazam
10. My Stupid Boss 2
11. Ave Maryam
12. Avengers: End Game (2x)
13. Long Shot
14. Aladdin (2x)
15. Ghost Writer
16. Hit & Run
17. X-Men: Dark Phoenix
18. Men in Black: International
19. Toy Story 4
20. Yesterday
21. Spiderman: Far from Home
22. Dua Garis Biru
23. Lion King
24. Fast & Furious: Hobbs & Shaw
25. Asterix
26. Angel Has Fallen (2x)
27. Gundala
28. Twivortiare
29. Pretty Boys
30. Bebas
31. Susi Susanti: Love All
32. Frozen 2
33. Imperfect
34. Jumanji: The Next Level
35. Knives Out
36. StarWars: The Rise of Skywalker

'till next year... peace out and stay clean 

New Beginning

2018 definitely flew so fast, full with ups and downs but yet it was a memorable year. 

I turned 40 ... and life begins :D

On my last post, I've mentioned about the sad moment of losing my dad. I know I was never a good daughter and we weren't so close, but he was still my dad who tried his best - his own way. 

Following that .. I got a lifetime opportunity to be part of the Asia's biggest sport competition - Asian Games held in Jakarta. It was beyond imagination... and I got selected to be the best Team Leader of the Production Team. I met so many new friends, great people and amazing athletes. It was one of the best 4 months of my life. 

So yeah... please do believe when something bad happen to you, there will something better prepared for you. God is good .. He will always make a way for you. 

2018 was also very special to me because of someone ... though I know we have no future together, but knowing that he's there (even not all the time), I guess it's good enough. Thank you for supporting and understanding. I found the deepest and best comfort in you in any way I know how. Thank you for giving me that and keeping me close every now and then. Thank you for letting me enjoy the feeling.

Though I still wanna be hopeful that we could still be more that friend .. one can only hope right? 

Anyway ... as always, here's my 2018 movie list

1. The Greatest Showman (2x)
2. Bleeding Steel
3. The Commuter
4. 12 Strong
5. Black Panther
6. Peter Rabbit
7. Tomb Raider
8. Red Sparrow
9. Pacific Rim Uprising
10. Teman tapi Menikah
11. Arini
12. Rampage
13. Avengers: Infinity War (2x)
14. Deadpool 2 (2x)
15. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2x)
16. Oceans 8
17. Incredibles 2
18. Kulari ke Pantai
19. Ant-Man and the Wasp
20. Skyscraper
21. Hotel Transylvania 3
22. 22 Menit
23. Mamma Mia Here We Go Again
24. Mission Impossible: Fallout
25. The Spy who Dumped Me
26. Mile 22
27. Christopher Robin
28. Crazy Rich Asians (2x)
29. Belok Kanan Barcelona
30. Peppermint
31. Johnny English Strike Again
32. Aruna dan Lidahnya
33. Venom
34. Smallfoot
35. Dancing in the Rain
36. A Star is Born
37. A Simple Favor
38. Bohemian Rhapsody
39. The Nutcracker
40. A Man Called Ahok
41. Fantastic Beast: The Crimes of Grindelwald
42. Ralph Breaks the Internet
43. Robinhood
44. Milly & Mamet (2x)
45. Aquaman
46. Bumblebee
47. Mary Poppins Returns

'till next time.. have a good year ^^

*peace out

Five months of 2018 have passed

It is crazy that 2018 has flew so fast, we are entering first half of the year already... crazy and scary.


Lots of things have happened in these last 5 months, all I can say is 2018 is bitter sweet, happy and sad at the same time.

So I left my 14 years job ... it's time to leave the place which no longer provide you peace and happiness apart from few friends... and yes, I was so thrill leaving that hell hole.

I was planning to find my new peace of mind, peace of heart... new beginning - as simple as that. A bit of travel then start my new life. But God has His own plan for me... For that last 4 months, I have been mostly at home... taking care of him, helping out house works but still manage to get out and hangout with friends, had some fun ... as well as learning new things.
As for life in general... I have a great family, an amazing group of friends, one good guy-friend (no romantic feeling - if that matters ^^), good health, enough. Overall, I have a good life... enjoying those moments and looking forward for lots of new things. 


On the last day day of December 2017, dad got sick and admitted to hospital and he's been ups and downs ever since... 'till finally God called him in his sleep to be by His side on 23 April 2018. I didn't know what to feel, in a way it was for the best because he had been sick for quite sometimes, but on the other hand... I feel guilty for not giving my best as a daughter. God please take care of him ...

So yeahh... lots of things happened, some regrets but mostly lessons and memories.  

As my yearly routine, here is my list of 2017 movies

1. Cek Toko Sebelah (3x)
2. The Great Wall
3. Arrival
4. La La Land
5. Kungfu Yoga
6. Bukaan 8
7. Logan
8. Beauty and the Beast
9. The Fate of the Furious (FF8)
10. Stip dan Pensil
11. Guardians of the Galaxy 2
12. Critical Eleven (2x)
13. Wonder Woman
14. The Mummy
15. Transformers - The Last Knight
16. Spiderman: Homecoming
17. Filosofi Kopi 2: Ben dan Jodi
18. Baby Driver
19. Kingsman: The Golden Circle
20. The Foreigner
21. Wind River
22. Posesif
23. Justice League
24. Murder on the Orient Express
25. A Bad Mom Christmas
26. Coco
27. Susah Sinyal (2x)
28. Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle
29. Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Here is to the next 7 months of 2018... hope things will get better and I'll find that peace of mind and heart.

22nd day of 2017

Time flies indeed .. I still can't believe that it's 2017, it seems that I've lost a whole 2016. I didn't feel that it happened... as I have been stucked with these short sweet moments I had and I didn't want it to end -- too much wonder of what happened. So I keep looking back where I suppose to let go and move on. 

Face it Net and accept the fact that it ain't coming back. Yes, it was sweet indeed but it's over. In fact, it ended before it even began. Something happened, you might never know why, but someday it's gonna make sense, as everything happened for a reason. 

Treasure those short moments you had with him, remember the good things about him, remember the way he made you feel. But also remember that things change, people change... "Everyone who is in your life are meant to be in your journey, but not all of them are meant to stay till the end" -- he is one of them. 

You can look back every now and then, it's only normal, afterall we are human who has feeling, emotion, memory -- but don't dwell on the past for too long, at least you've tried doing what you think it's necessary. If there is no response from the other side, then you should know where you stand. 

Walk away .. move on .. let go .. find your happiness. Thank you for the times, the moments, and all the things you have made me feel. Maybe for that short moments, I was special to you, but maybe it was all in my head. Whatever it was, thank you for making memories with me. 

I hope when you look back, or for some reason I pop up in your head, you would smile and remember me as someone who was once make you laugh and remember that we were once sharing stories and spent times together -- remember me as someone nice that walked into your life for a little bit and made an impact .. someway somehow. 

So as my yearly ritual, here are my 2016 movie list

1. Ngenest
2. Alvin and The Chipmunk
3. The Big Short
4. London Love Story
5. Deadpool
6. Comic 8: Casino Kings Part 2
7. Kungfu Panda 3
8. Zootopia
9. Allegiant
10. Batman VS Superman
11. London Has Fallen
12. 13 Hours: Secret Soldiers
13. Huntsman: Winter's War
14. Ada Apa Dengan Cinta 2 (2x)
15. Captain America: Civil War
16. X-Men Apocalypse
17. My Stupid Boss
18. Mother's Day
19. Money Monster
20. Now You See Me 2
21. Central Intelligence
22. Finding Dory
23. Independence Day: Resurgence
24. Jilbab Traveler Love Sparks in Korea
25. Rudy Habibie
26. Koala Kumal
27. Star Trek Beyond
28. Ghostbusters
29. Jason Bourne
30. Skiptrace
31. Sully
32. Warkop DKI Reborn
33. Inferno
34. Accountant
35. Bridget Jones' Baby
36. Doctor Strange
37. Trolls (2x)
38. Fantastic Beast
39. Underworld: Blood Wars
40. Star Wars: Rouge One
41. Sing
42. Hangout
43. Moana

'till next year and once again, thank you for the memories, the lessons, the moments and thank you for walking into my life, and for whatever reason you did stay a little bit and made me feel special and good about myself. 

Thank you for making me smile and for making me feel alive -- for a little while you made me look forward to a new day, with you. 

Have a good 2017 Net, find your happiness. It's out there and feel the love again.

XOXO

4 months after 2016

Well, this is definitely a long overdue posting. I haven't really got into the mood of writing much this year. Though I must say 2015 has been one special year I had in long time.

Yeah, I met someone - I still find it hard to believe myself. 
He filled my days with sweet memories, good moments, happy feeling and definitely big smile on face for a while .. but let's just leave it at that 'cos I just wanna remember him as someone who made me happy and not the jerk he turned out to be. 

So as previous years posting, here is my 2015 movie list .. 

1. Blackhat (2 times)
2. The Imitation Game
3. Nada untuk Asa
4. Mortdecai
5. Cinderella
6. Insurgent (4 times)
7. Fast and Furious 7
8. Avengers: Age of Ultron
9. Cinta Selamanya
10. Spy
11. Pitch Perfect 2
12. Jurassic World
13. Minions (2 times)
14. The Age of Adaline
15. Lamaran
16. Comic 8: Casino Kings
17. Ant-Man
18. Mission Impossible 5: Rouge Nation (2 times)
19. Fantastic Four
20. Pixels
21. The Man from U.N.C.L.E
22. Inside Out
23. Hotel Transylvania 2
24. Maze Runner: The Scorch Trial
25. The Intern
26. PAN
27. Bridges of Spies
28. James Bond: Spectre
29. The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2
30. The Good Dinosaur
31. Star Wars: The Force Awaken
32. Negeri Van Orenje
33. Single

Not a bad list huh? And I had special moment watching 3 of the movies and I won't change it for the world. 

So today is the 17th day of April and 2016 has been quite sucky so far. But I'm still trying to look at the bright side of it all - there are lots of things to be thankful of for sure. 
I guess they are just another obstacles in life that I need to overcome to be a better and stronger person.

Lesson learned. At least I've tried. 

Let's embrace it. You'll never know what tomorrow brings. 
Maybe you will have several bad days, but it doesn't mean you have a bad life. 
Everyone has their own fight in life .. but at the end of the day, God's plan always works out the best,
We may never understand it now and maybe it's not as you wanted but believe that it would be for the best. 

Have a good journey of 2016 Net ..  
I hope somehow someway I leave a small memorable mark in you .. 
And when you think about it, you will smile 'cos it was special and you know that it was me that leave the mark.

'till then ..

2nd Day of 2015

Well here we are .. the New Year, 2015 .. Happy New Year to each and everyone of you. I still can't believe that 365 days have passed like that. I had my good moments and definitely bad moments, but I'm sure there always a lesson that we can learn from those moments happened in our life.

I only had one overseas trip last year, to Singapore. It's kinda become my yearly trip and this time I stayed for 6 days, 'cos I had a free accommodation. It was a good break in between the crazy routine. I have big trip plan this year, hopefully $$ will be friendly and hopefully I earn more this year ^^

So ... 2014 has been quite an interesting and challenging year, but let us leave the bad things behind and bring the good things forward to 2015. Be better than last year -- Happy New You! 

Time to make a change .. take that leap of faith and believe that everything will be OK. You can have everything you want and need, if you just believe! 

So as previous years, here are my movie list .. 

1. Laskar Pelangin 2 - Edensor
2. Comic 8
3. The Lego Movies
4. Captain America - The Winter Soldier
5. The Other Woman
6. The Amazing Spiderman 2
7. Brick Mansion
8. X-Men
9. 22 Jump Street
10. How to Train your Dragon 2
11. Transformers: Age of Extinction
12. The Expendables 3
13. Guardians of the Galaxy
14. Malam Minggu Miko - The Movie
15. The Maze Runner
16. Big Hero 6
17. The Best of Me
18. The Hunger Games - Mockingjay Part 1
19. Penguins of Madagascar
20. 7/24
21. The Hobbit - Battle of Five Armies
22. Pendekar Tongkat Emas
23. Night at the Museum 3

Wow .. it's a very small number. But I did miss quite last year due to workload and several things. Need to catch up this year, but thanks to HBO, I didn't miss much LOL.

So .. let us embrace the new journey of 2015 and hope things will be better. 

Take care all and peace out!

3 days before 2015

Whooaaaa ... how time flies. It seems like only yesterday we started 2014, but now soon we will welcome 2015. I don't really feel that I accomplished anything this year, but I'm thankful for another healthy and surviving year. 

I'm so very thankful for something quite big and challenging offered to me but I decided not to take .. I'm sure it was His plan for me, as He has something better for me. I'm sure He has good plan for me, He's just waiting for me to take the step and start. Baby steps -- it's not too late. Everything will be beautiful in time ..

Now instead of wondering what if, let us embrace what will be .. I have several big plans for the upcoming New Year, I just hope for a smooth journey. Time to leave the comfort zone and see what is waiting for me out there. 

"Oh, it's time to start livin'
Time to take a little from this world we're given
Time to take time, cause spring will turn to fall
In just no time at all...." - Pippin OST

'till next time .. Peace out! 

1 month after Christmas

First and foremost, Happy New Year .. it's the 25th day of 2014, exactly one month after Christmas. Well, I've been lacking with this blog, I guess there isn't much to share. 

Anyway, 2013 was an adventure and yet sad. I lost two of our colleagues, friends who somehow had been a family, Mba Gita and Adit. May you two rest in peace and please keep us from above. It was such a great loss and I'm not good in dealing with these things, but then again who is .. 

As for him .. well, nothing further happened nor we remain friends. So basically he was just another someone who made a quick stop in my life but leave a lasting impact in way or another. I will forever grateful. 

For what it worth, all those bad and good things that happened, it was part of life, part of growing up. So let's us just enjoy the journey in life. 

"Thank the things that didn't work out, because they just made room for the things that will. Thank the ones who walked away from you, because they just made room for the one who won't" 

I'm thankful for my family, friends, health and all the small things that made and will make my life colourful and beautiful. 

So as previous years, here is my 2013 movie list .. 

1. Chinese Zodiacs
2. Les Miserables
3. Hansel and Gretel
4. Rectoverso
5. Die Hard 
6. Flight
7. Silver Linings Playbook
8. OZ The Great and Powerful
9. Olympus Has Fallen
10. Argo
11. GI Joe: Retaliation
12. The Croods
13. Finding Srimulat
14. Iron Man 3
15. Cinta Brontosaurus
16. Star Trek Into Darkness
17. Fast & Furious 6
18. Now You See Me
19. Cinta Dalam Kardus
20. Monster University
21. White House Down
22. Despicable Me 2
23. Pacific Rim
24. Turbo
25. Red 2
26. The Wolverine
27. Smurfs 2
28. Get Married 4
29. R.I.P.D
30. 2 Guns
31. Runner Runner
32. Manusia Setengah Salmon
33. Prisoners
34. Thor: The Dark World
35. The Big Wedding
36. Noah: The Movie
37. The Hunger Games 2: Catching Fire
38. Frozen
39. The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug

Not bad for the increment .. need to do better this year.

'till next time .. 

What remains

It's been 4 months since my last post .. how time flies and in those 4 months sadly to say that the feeling still there. But finally today, I've received the confirmation I've been waiting for the last 6 months ... surprisingly I felt OK. When I found out, I actually smiled and it felt like a burden lifted up from me. Now, I finally can stop wonder. 

It's amazing how this feeling works .. 

Be happy Net .. he was someone special that God brought to you. Through him, He taught you how to let go, how to be a better person and to accept the fact that everything in life need fighting for, nothing comes easily. 

For what it worth, I don't regret a single thing I did, including the big risk I took, wasted my feeling and time thinking about him. Whatever happened, I'm glad it was him, I won't have it any other way. A good thing that I know him as much as I need to know him .. brief and I have no memories to remember much. 

But I guess my biggest mistake wasn't falling for him, but it was thinking he had fallen for me too .. silly me! 

What remains now is hope that I had for him .. but now I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to leave this feeling behind. I'm ready to refer you as past tense. Thank you for the nice journey. 

18 days later

It's been 18 days passed since the New Year .. I thought I'll be over him by now, but apparently I haven't .. at least not yet completely! We have no so-called good progress in term of interaction and intense conversation, though I guess we're ok .. but yet still hard to let go. 

Though I learned through time that the hardest part of love is letting go .. but this isn't love, this is merely a crush .. weird crush. So why is it so hard? There isn't any promises or any sweet memories to remember, but yet there is something about him that make me stick around, and I don't know what .. 

Nowadays, I'm acting as normal as I possibly can .. I try not to use any feeling 'cos once feeling involves, it's gonna be even harder to let go. People always say "Expect the unexpected" .. I've stopped expecting the unexpected so once it happened, I take it as a blessing and not hoping for more after that. 'cos at the end, it's me who will end up hurting. 

So now .. I'm only trying to his friend, but I don't know what he wants. So whatever it is, I'm just gonna be normal. If we ever happened, then we happen. If not, I have nothing to lose .. instead I'm glad having this feeling.

I'm looking forward for where time will take me next .. hopefully I manage to pull through

"falling in love is easy .. staying in love is a challenge ..
letting go is hard .. moving on is the hardest.."

2012 Movie List

First and foremost .. Happy New Year 2013. It is now the 18th days of January and I'm currently at home, 2 days stucked at home 'cos of the big flood in Jakarta. Bigger flood than 2007, but thankfully this year we didn't get affected. But still can't go anywhere .. I'm on an island. 

Consider it as a free leave day .. 

So as previous years, this is big movie list of 2012 ... ain't that big .. 30 movies for the whole year, not good. But anyway, here we go ...

1. New Year's Day
2. I Don't Know How She Does It
3. This Means War
4. The Vow
5. Safe House
6. 21 Jump Street
7. Mirror Mirror
8. The Avengers
9. Dark Shadows
10. Madagascar 3
11. Snow White and the Huntsman
12. The Amazing Spiderman
13. The Flowers of War
14. Ice Age 4
15. What to Expect when You're Expecting
16. The Dark Knight Rises
17. The Double
18. Expendables 2
19. Bourne Legacy
20. Ted
21. Premium Rush
22. Alex Cross
23. Skyfall
24. Breaking Dawn Part 2
25. Hotel Transylvania
26. Hello Goodbye
27. Rise of the Guardians
28. The Hobbit
29. Habibie & Ainun
30. 5cm

Gonna catch up this year, specially with the rise of Indonesian movies and with Academy and Golden Globe awards list of movies .. just hope they are all shown here.

The Day I Let You Go ..

It has been about 40 days since the feeling appeared and 17 days of happy feeling before knowing the fact .. it's been a crazy ride, but it was sweet .. 

What a journey it has been, but too bad the end is not inside yet .. 

Whether it's taking each other for granted or people change, the bottom line is when one side stop responding, eventually the other side stop trying and finally the feeling will just disappear in time. Even now, I already feel that you're slipping away from my mind, though still pops up every now and then, but I'm sure it will be over soon ...

So 12 December 2012 .. 12.12.12 -- was the day I let you go. After all the things happened, I'm glad I get the chance to have my closure even I don't know how it ends on your side, but to me this is it.  

Even at the end I won't get a happy ending from this feeling I had, I'm glad that it was you I fell for, even though I don't know why it was you. But thank you for the moments, they were sweet .. 

You can't choose who you fall in love with, when or where it will happen .. I guess that's how love and God work .. in mysterious way. Love does hurt you sometimes and it's not so easy to find, but don't stop looking for it 'cos it can be found in a very strangest places. 

I didn't believe that before, but after experienced it myself .. I have to agree. Even until this very second, it still don't know how it happened. I still wonder why too .. 

But the more I wonder, the more I stuck with the feeling .. so whatever it is, I'm sure God has His reason for me and him to meet this way. 

Now .. I look forward to the day I see you and feel nothing .. It would be the day I can finally let you go. So when the day comes, I hope things are ok between us. 

Letting Go - birthday wish

Yeah, it's MA birthday .. Happy Birthday to me .. :)


thank you God for another year, for all the laughter, tears, joy, heartache, love, blessings throughout the year. It's been one challenging year but it's also memorable. I have no regrets ..

Thank you everyone for all the good wishes through different social medias, whatsapp, text message, phone calls and also thank you for the gift . And to those who spent the day with me .. I'm so grateful and feel blessed for having each and everyone of you in my life. 

But sadly that one person I wish to wish me on my birthday .. did not. I guess he was never really care afterall .. who I thought might have a little feeling for me, apparently was just my feeling and imagination. He never actually interested in me. 

So this year birthday, I dedicated to him ... the one person who has made a big difference in my life even in just a short time and doesn't even know it. It's been great having this feeling, even you don't feel the same and even there will be no happy ending between us, but I'm glad it was you that I fell for, I'm glad that my feeling goes to you .. 'cos I know that way I still believe in love, that my one true love is still somewhere out there. 

I know time will heal this feeling and when that happens, it would be the time I can finally let you go for good. As for the time being, I'm gonna face and live with the fact that we're never meant to be together, it was just me who hope too high. 

I'm letting you go .. I need that room in my heart that you have filled this past few weeks with new hopes and dreams. I'm done trying and hoping as I don't wanna get hurt even more knowing that you never care. I will never understand the things that you did which lead me to think that you're interested, but it's OK .. 'cos the wrong feeling was nice and made me smile. 

So thank you for things that you did, a lot ... but you never knew that they made a big impact .. 

Love .. Emotion .. Feeling ..

Those 3 words I suppose are part of every human being .. what are we without those 3? 

Feeling ..

Just few weeks ago, I came across this weird feeling that I haven't felt for ages to someone who I've known casually for about 8 months but I never noticed his existence 'till that one weekend. Out from nowhere, he was there, noticeable to my eyes, exist and around .. 

I don't know how it started, when it started, where it started, why it happened or what happened that time? But it felt nice and sweet. 

And for the past weeks, it was full of ups and downs .. some days gave me good sign, some days were just normal, but I enjoyed those moments. He made my heart race.

But along the way I felt that we weren't going anywhere, there was never a clear sign that might bring us somewhere, we stood still and after couple of weeks I felt that it was never meant anything. I felt that it was just that weekend that brought this feeling up and out. We then remain a stranger again like before, when he was unnoticed to me. So I declared QUIT. 

But just when I was ready to let go and move on, something nice happened which made me fall again and I felt challenge to try harder. But I guess it was just never meant to be from the beginning. I misread everything. I expect too much in just one weekend because of that special something that happened between us.. 'cos shortly after I thought that it was meant something, I found the hurtful fact .. he is attached. 

I was upset, I was hurt, I went blank that day as I heard the news ... as these past few weeks, he never showed or even acted like he is attached with someone instead he acted like he was interested. But I was wrong .. and now I understand why we stood still, why we ain't moving ...

Emotion ..

Yes, it was all on me .. I misread the signals, I played with my own emotions thinking that he was actually interested for all that particular things he did .. a lot. 

Perhaps it's because I haven't felt this kind of sweet feeling in ages and then he appeared before me and showed something unusual, I was blinded by it. Where the truth is he probably did it normally .. I was so focused on finding my happy ending, I forgot how to read the signals correctly.

Now my emotions are uncontrolled .. part of me wishes that he would break up and choose me. I start thinking that things won't work out between them and I swoop in and there is my happy ending right there. But I know where I stand .. 

I'm upset still .. why would you do those things that you still do 'till now knowing that you belong to someone else and I can't do anything to have you? 

Love ..

Is this love?

Nope .. not yet at least .. it is still way beyond love, it has only been couple of weeks which I, myself still trying to figure out things, thought of getting to know him better before the hurtful fact revealed ..

I seriously thought it might grow into love .. somehow, someway .. someday. 
But well, this ends before it even started.

For what it worth, I'm not sorry for what happened .. I know it's all me, so I'm not sorry.
I'm actually thankful for him for walking into my short days in a very strange yet nice way.

Even for just one short weekend and few days after that, he has made an impact in my life, has become a someone who made me smile, made my heart pounding, made me get up in the morning and feel alive ...
And most important thing that he has reminded me that I can still have this kind of feeling .. like, crush, a little love - whatever suit and believe that love do can be found in strangest place. 

Who would thought that I would actually found him there, though there will no future upon us, but to me the feeling was real. 

So thank you for the moment that we shared which I will treasure. You might not know what's happening, but I really appreciate you never let me fall too deep when you never intended to catch me. 

I'm sort of glad that I found about the fact this early before it went to deep, but I can't help of feeling upset a little bit 'cos I thought you actually cared but I was wrong. 

Now ...

I know I'm gonna be ok .. I've been through way worse than this yet I survive.
I guess one bad thing is that you're still gonna be around me quite a lot, will stand in front of me every now and then ... but you don't know what I feel which is hurt, so I'm sorry if things gonna be different between us 'cos I'll never be the same towards you after this ..

You didn't do anything wrong, you never gave any hopes or anything, but I need this for me ..
I need my closure from you .. if only you could stop the thing you're still doing and I'm sure I'll be alright.

I was this close on telling you how I feel, on Christmas actually .. but God has His way in telling me that you're not the one for me. So He showed me the way by telling me about you and her through my dream, just 2 days after but back then I tried to deny it ..

So I'm ready to walk away .. I won't forget about you but I just need to stop this feeling.

Please let me have the day when I see you and I feel nothing .. that's the day I can finally let you do. 

But one thing I wonder .. what if that weekend never happened? What will happen between us? Will you remind as the un-notice and not exist to me? 

Well, I guess I'll never know ..

The Last

This post isn't mine, but it's Philip Wang's of Wong Fu Productions on their latest short The Last ..

I guess everyone have gone and will get through these phases in life, be in relationship with different people who eventually shape us as a person we are right now 'till we meet the right one.

God wants us to meet different people and learn about others and ourselves 'till we find The Last .. the one that fits us the most .. the one that will accompany us for the rest of our life.. the one that we truly LOVE. 

Who, what, when, where and why .. are the basic questions that will always be part of our life ..  

and this story answer them all .. of course in each and unique way in your life .. So when you found all the answer those 5 senses, hang on to it .. that person might be The Last ..

The original post is here .. The Last

The idea for “The Last” is one that I’ve had for a couple years. It first sprouted right around when Wes was finishing up his short “When Five Fell”, dealing with love in the form of the 5 senses. This prompted me to think of other representations of love, eventually leading me to the theme of this short: who, what, when, where, and why. But while I had this concept in my head the past 2 years, I wasn’t able to put the words down on paper and finish it until recently. Let’s just say, the right inspiration came along to give me the ability and mentality to complete the script the right way.

The goal of this short was to speak to both our younger and older audiences. I know Wong Fu Productions has a lot of viewers who are probably just getting their first experiences of what “love” feels like, or what they want it to feel like. To them, I hope this short gives them a sense of hope and something to look forward to. As someone who has been through those younger stages in high school and college, I wrote Harry’s character to have had encounters of meaningful love in those stages of his life, because they are important. Now, still speaking to these younger viewers, many of you may also feel like you have lost the “one true love” of your life. To those I hope this short shows that your future holds others who you have yet to fall in love with (and maybe once again lose). There is time ahead of you, and in this time you will find love in other ways, or perhaps love will return to you, I can’t tell you for certain, but I can tell you not to completely lose yourself in the present, and try to believe that one day you will look back on the ones you’ve “lost” the same way the man in the film does, with understanding and joy.

To the older viewers, you understand this video from a completely different perspective, because you may have you own past of loves. Maybe not, five, but you understand what it means to have a past, those who came before, and what each of those past experiences have taught you. Could you have your own “who”, or “what”, or “why”? Possibly two “whens”? I hope this short can remind you of what you’ve learned from each encounter of love, even if it seemed terrible back then, you have had the gift of time to teach you why it happened, and how you grew from it.

There’s actually one more audience this short hopefully speaks to, and it’s those who have found the “last”. What greater feeling is there to have gone through a journey of years, emotion, heartache, joy, and to realize that the person you are with now is the person that embodies everything you’ve gained and needed from your past? If you are one of these people who are with the man or woman they hope, or are, the last, remember how lucky you are. Remember the time when you didn’t have their presence in your life. Remember…who, what, when, where, why they are your last, and be thankful. For there are many who are still on that journey you were once on. Encourage them; the lost to keep hopeful, the troubled to keep fighting for, and the cynics to keep believing in, love.

That is all I hope “The Last” can mean to people, as a short film, and as someone in their lives.

Another brilliant piece by Wong Fu .. simple yet meaningful, where we can all relate with

Your Last is out there .. believe in it.

Memories ... and some random thoughts

23 October 1997 .. exactly 15 years ago today I stepped my foot for the first time in Wollongong, Australia - the place I still call home 'till now. 

It was my first long flight journey alone to Aussieland, 9 hours flight seemed like forever. I was scared not knowing anything, I didn't know the place, I didn't speak English all that well and the fact that I would be away from my family for the first time in my 19 years of my life, so yes I was afraid.

Yes, Wollongong was home to me .. I experienced and learned lots of "first time" here in this place. I learned to depend on myself, I learned to live on my own, I learned to make my own decision, I learned how to cook, how to take care of everything by myself. It was tough but it made me stronger. Then I knew that I could do all those things .. 

Here at this place I learned about love - I fell in love and also fell out of love. I had my heart broken, I experienced my ups and downs of life, I learned about life. And the most important thing was I had my first job and experience the feeling of earning money with my own sweat for the first time. It was amazing! 

As for my first salary, I bought a Calvin Klein sunglasses. I was my first true accomplishment :D

Being away from family and friends who you grew up with all your life and suddenly you were put in a very strange place, was never easy. But as time went by, I formed new family and found friends who I treasure forever 'cos they formed me, they made me who I am today. 

"What we have been is what we are"

Going overseas to study was never a plan for me, it was initially my brother's plan but he got chicken out at the last minute, so I decided to go and it was the best decision I've made so far. I don't know what will happen if I stayed here, what would I be. 

Now, 15 years later .. too many great memories to remember, but somehow they are all still fresh in my head. It seems like it was only yesterday I arrived in Wollongong, greeted by Bob - the Campus East staff and met Ari for the first time, he who helped me settled in. And 2 weeks later, 6 November 1997, I met my best friend, Brian for the first time in our first Foundation class and everything is history. 

With Brian, it was not easy but not difficult .. our relationship just grew as time went pass. From a daily routine in Foundation class, grew to like and to a little crazy love and end up as best friend with no romantic feeling. He's not the best and perfect person I know, he's boring and uptight, but somehow we connect and he's my best friend. 

There was never a day passed by without us talking or seeing each other. And now even after 15 years, a marriage and a baby girl, though we don't speak as much, we always have something to talk about and just pick up where we left off and never got dull. I guess that's what friend is .. He's kinda my soul-mate. We both know each other too well, sometimes it's scary.

I got to see him again after almost 8 years being apart, he's been living in Australia since we graduated and he's now an Australian citizen. 

It was Christmas 2009, I was on family trip attending cousin's wedding .. when we saw each other again, it was like we never apart. It was like we were only away for few days. Everything was so comfy with him. I'm so grateful for him .. 

Friends .. 
they come and go .. but I know Brian will stay with me and I will stay with him. Not many guy-girl friend relationship survived, even ours had few hiccups, specially now that he's married. So I'm drawing a line and know where I stand. But no matter what, we will always remain friends .. 

I had fair share of men that came into my 5 years of my life there. They were all special. But sadly among those men, there were only 2 left that still involve in my current life and yes one of them is Brian. 
Though they are all somewhere out there now, I wish them all the best in their life .. they were part of me once and I was theirs, leave it at that. They were my memories .. 

Next ...

18 August 2001, I added a Bachelor of Arts degree - Communication Studies major behind my name. The battle of sweat and tears I had to face for 3 years paid off. I was so proud walking down the UOW theater hall with that blue toga and knowing that my parents were there seeing me accomplished another chapter of my life. It was their battle too .. tough one with the 1998 economy crisis, but we survived.

I accepted the diploma, the chancellor - Michael Codd asked me, "What's next?"

Honestly, I didn't know then and if you asked me now, I don't even know what I want in life. 
I'm still searching. 
I guess I'm just flowing wherever the current takes me. 
I don't even know what my passion is, I like lots of things, but I'm not sure whether my hobbies will make ends-meet. But I'm sure it's out there.

Life is a neverending learning process, so maybe someday I'll find out what I really want and can make the best out of it.

So for now, I'm just gonna enjoy the meantime and live it to the fullest. You'll never know where life takes you. Things could be worse than what I have right now .. 

Just try to really focus on finding what you truly want in life. Like Wes said "Your proudest moment is the one you're gonna come across and believe that it's still out there ..."

So .. Happy 15th years of taking the biggest step in your life, Net. I'm glad I did ..

Toodles!!
23 Oct 2012, 11:22pm

One Night, One Stage, Once in a Lifetime

Two years in the waiting, the reunion concert of NKOTB and joined concert with BSB has finally happened last night - Friday, 1 June 2012. It happened so fast, I didn't even realize it was 2 hours plus since we entered the arena.

Bought these babies 6 months ago, waiting and waiting and it passed like that ...

20 years ago, I watched their concert - my first ever concert and I remember I had so much fun and I was so hype as a very young teenage girl having her first idols. And 20 years later, I didn't feel very much different from back then. I was still hype, screamed and jumped like young teenage girl thirst for the boys. In total of 2 hours plus, 32 songs .. I was totally hypnotize by these 9 guys - Jonathan, Jordan, Joey, Donnie, Danny, Brian, Nick, AJ and Howie with their moves, dancing, words, voices and of course their songs, that concludes I love them all. But to me, NKOTB was extra special 'cos they have special place in my heart for being my first idol and the fact that they reunited after 18 years.

I watched them as individual boyband, NKOTB - 13 February 1992 and BSB - 25 February 2008 and I watched them together as a group NKOTBSB - 1 June 2012 .. and all of them were incredibly memorable and special. 

As Joey said, "I'm sorry it took us 20 years to come back, and we're gonna try real hard to make it .. not another 20 years" .. please don't :)

Expensive Gadget

I finally purchased this baby right here ..

I've been wanting to buy iPhone since the version 3, but keep postponing thinking that do I really need it? So then the 3Gs, 4 to finally 4s came out, still not sure. And the fact that 5 is coming out soon, I started to re-think about it.

Last week, a friend told me about promo with CIMB Niaga credit card - 0% interest for 12 months installment. Within days, I decided that I'm gonna take this opportunity. This is probably the fastest decision I've ever made for buying gadget, expensive one. I'm not a gadget person, 'till now I still use my old fashioned trusty Sony Ericsson phone.

Well .. hope that was a 7.7 millions worth spend! :)

Be patience people, there will be big adjustment needed. Might take me a while to get use to with it.